Taking the Grief out of Preschool Goodbyes

We've all gone through it. We moms and dads who've endured the agony of taking our kids to preschool or kindergarten: the crying, screaming, flailing, throwing themselves on the floor and wrapping their bodies around our legs. Only to be assured by their teachers, at pickup time, that "little Jackie was just fine three minutes after you left." Just fine right after I left? How can that be? He was threatening to drown himself in his sippy cup, or jump off the building ledge (thank God it was only the first floor). Now you tell me he had a great time? I worried and fretted and paced and felt like a terrible mother all morning and you tell me that he was happy singing songs and playing with play dough by 8:40?

Well, that's just great. Okay, I guess it IS great. He doesn't need me that much after all. But, why all the separation theatrics? Why can't we do with a simple goodbye? It's now day three of the preschool drop off anguish. Can't we find an easier way? I am willing to stay and take a tiny seat at the munchkin sized table if it'll make Jack happier. But, Keila, the teacher, gives me an exasperated, yet patient smile as if saying with her eyes "I've got to start class here and you're not part of the lesson plan?"

What's the best solution here? Become a preschooler again myself? Lord knows, I could use more practice with those safety scissors. Or should I make a mad dash through the door, squealing tires in the parking lot like a mom on the lam.

So, being the researcher that I am, I pulled his preschool director, Lyn Hobbs (who is one of the greatest women on the planet, in case you were wondering) into her office for a quick interview on the subject.

Angela - "So, Lyn, is it really true that a quick and simple goodbye is the best way to separate from your hysterical preschooler?"

Lyn - "Yep, keep it short and sweet. Say 'I love you, Jack, and I'll be back."

Angela - "Hey, that rhymed. And it's easier said than done. I'd feel terribly guilty doing that."

Lyn - "You have to know that he's just fine as soon as you're gone. Lots of parents communicate their own separation anxiety onto their kids, making the child's reaction to saying goodbye that much worse. Be upbeat and confident like you're so glad he gets to come to preschool and assure him that you'll be back. Honestly, over 95% of the time children are happy and playing five minutes after their parent leaves."

Angela - "At what age do preschoolers put up the biggest resistance to separation?"

Lyn - "Our two year old class is definitely the worst, even worse than the one year olds. At two, kids are more emotional and clingy. Plus they take longer to make transitions that may not affect a child even one year older."


Angela - (wiping the fresh tears off her pants leg) "Yeah, Jack seems to fit the description perfectly. Other than not lingering at your child's side and making a clean getaway, do you have any other advice for parents helping their preschoolers transition into a happy, healthy classroom students?"


Lyn - "Yes. Any child starting preschool is happier when they have a routine. When it becomes predictable and the child knows what's going to happen and when, they'll be much more at ease. We do everything we can to make our preschoolers comfortable and get them into a good routine. It's often the parents who provide unwelcome distractions with frequent early pick-ups and late drop-offs. Once in a while, this can't be avoided, but parents should respect their child's school structure and routine. There's a tendency to think, this is just preschool, but it's a big deal to the child. When one parent comes to pick up a child early, a chain reaction begins of other kids asking 'where's MY mom.' Then classroom structure becomes difficult to maintain."

Angela - "Lyn, thank you for your time. I'll be practicing my line for Monday... 'I love you, Jack. And I'll be back.'

Parents, if you're struggling with goodbye grief from your preschooler, repeat the mantra above. Just take out Jack's name and insert your child's, unless your child really is named Jack or you always wanted him or her to be.

For more developing wisdom from a mom in the trenches, check back to "Your Family Matters."